Today I have another thought

Okay. So I posted recently about how pleased I was about the use of my hundred bucks. Today as I prepare the financial report for the organization I donated to, I feel like I copped out. You know? So here was this new organization that I cared about without any funds--it seemed right. But, now, I think it seemed easy.

Now as colleges are sending us memberships and we have a thousand bucks in the bank, I am thinking I took the easy way out. I didn't do "the assignment." Why didn't I send the money to my students in far away lands who are always writing for extra money? Why didn't I give it to my colleague who struggles to make it on one salary? Why didn't I donate it to our food bank? Why didn't I take it to New York with me and give it to a beggar?

Is this the way it always goes? Do we always second guess ourselves and find ourselves unworthy?

But honestly, my hundred bucks isn't going to make any big deal to this organization. Why didn't I buy a bunch of songbooks so that I could host acapella singings at my house? Why not donate it to the barbershop chorus I'm in--we are strapped for funds, and we do lots of good things in the community. Arghghghghghg!

Why do I suddenly feel like Charlie Brown. Why is the Christmas tree I always buy such a runt?

I'll be eager to here what everyone else is up to. I wish this had an alert function so that people would know that someone posted......

Why am I so whiny? Is it because school begins in 4 days?

By the way, I'm reading Al Haley's book Exotic and loving it. Interesting novel so far. I'll write more later when I'm finished.

Your friend--Joonna


Al Hsu said...

This is a great post, Joonna - it points to the reality that giving and our use of our finances can always be fraught with regret. Why this, and not that? Foundations must wrestle with these questions all the time, when there are so many worthy causes and needy people out there. Same thing - why is one orphan adopted, but not the other? Why is one book published, while another worthwhile proposal is rejected? Luck of the draw? Providence? Fate? The arbitrary whim of the powers-that-be, based on whatever they had for breakfast?

Basically, it boils down to this - we can't do everything, but we can do some things. So each of us does one or two things and trusts that in the larger body of Christ, other people will be called to do that which we could not do ourselves.

Joonna Trapp said...

Thanks, Al. I guess you are right. Ultimately, God does work all things together, and we all have to trust that. Been checking in on your blog off and on. It's so nice to have a way to sort of "keep up" with you and your life. Thanks for posting your two early poems--what a treat! I can't remember anything I wrote, but I do remember the first poem I memorized by that famous author Anonomous:

"As a rule, man is a fool.
When it is hot, he wants it cool.
When it is cool, he wants it hot.
Always wanting what is not."


Your friend--Joonna